The Royal Treatment

Like Spike Milligan’s character Mrs Ethel Shroake, who after the end of the Third World War was the closest person left in line to the throne, I always thought I’d make a very good Queen.

I’d fully appreciate the castles and pageantry, the frocks, jewels and banquets. How divine not to have to queue at airports, do my own packing or do the washing-up. Free first-class travel, the best seats in the theater, all guaranteed. A luxurious existence of carriage processions and balcony appearances.