Dearest Friends and Family,
I hope this letter finds you in good spirits during this happiest and holiest of seasons. Another year has come and gone, and with it, the usual peaks and valleys. But the good news is—we made it! So here it is, my annual recap of our family’s highlights for 2022.
As I like to say, if the kids are happy, then I’m happy—and Todd is thriving. Besides getting all A’s, being named captain of the baseball team, and designing and building our guesthouse, he played “Jud” in the eighth-grade production of Oklahoma! I know I’m prejudiced (literally!), but he was wonderful in it.
We celebrated when we got home, and Todd had his first beer. Actually, his first three beers! John and I went to bed, and the next morning we walked into the kitchen and found Todd slumped at the table in a pool of urine. What a sight that was!
To be honest, our only problem with Todd is getting him off that cell phone. One night when he happened to fall asleep early, John snuck into his bedroom and took the phone. When Todd woke up the next morning, he was furious and attacked John in the kitchen. Turns out he’d forgotten to take his Lithium! When he started to choke John, I grabbed a can of Dole pineapple juice and hit Todd over the head with it. Let me tell you, he had quite a lump! And there’s a good possibility he even walked around with a concussion for a few weeks after because he kept toppling over and was throwing up everywhere, including on Melinda, who ran into the shower and stayed under the water for an hour.
Melinda is doing great, by the way. Her acne is so much better than it was a year ago. We’ve finally allowed her to eat with us without having to wear a mask. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that a few weeks after, she lost her virginity to an immigrant from Morocco right before he got deported. Thank God that’s over!
But the big news is she got a job after school assisting a midwife! Well, wouldn’t you know it—one day the midwife didn’t show up for a birth and Melinda had to deliver the baby all by herself. The poor girl was born without a few fingers and the parents, of course, are furious and blame Melinda. Needless to say, they aren’t naming the baby after her!
And you may have heard about this, but if you haven’t—our baby girl became an informant to the local police about drug dealing in her school. Because of her sleuthing, four of her friends have been expelled and arrested. I am so proud of her! I ran into one of the girls’ moms in the market, and she called me the c-word, then emptied a can of Diet Coke on my head. I’m plotting my revenge as I write this. Not to give anything away, but let’s just say someone’s appearance is going to be altered dramatically!
As for Mom, her dementia is getting worse, but the good news is that the worse she gets, the funnier she becomes. One night at dinner, Todd kept asking, “Grandma, what’s my name?” She said, without blinking, “Benji.” BENJI! OMG, we died laughing! I thought John was going to have a heart attack. Then every minute or so, Todd would ask again, “Grandma, what’s my name?” “Lance.” Then Melinda asked her, “Grandma, how much is two plus two?” She started counting on her fingers and still couldn’t come up with it. We posted a video of it and got over 27,000 likes. We’re planning to post more soon—seems like a great way to make some extra cash.
On a sad note, we lost our beloved tabby a few months ago. Melinda left the front door open and Coco, a house cat, must’ve run out, never to be seen again. Melinda, of course, was punished by being banished to her room for four months. John built a small slat in her door for her meals and a big round hole for other items, like shampoo and fruit. I don’t know what you do for discipline, but John and I are firm believers in it. In fact, I’m happy to say it became a big part of our sex lives this year. I surprised him one night during our lovemaking by smacking him on the butt a few times. He liked it so much that I went out and bought a whip from “Sex-Citement,” the adult boutique on Old Route 29. It even comes with its own traveling case!
Then one night in July, I got a little too carried away and lashed John so hard I had to take him to the emergency room. While there, we were talking to the attending nurse, who happened to mention that she and her husband were in a swingers’ club. Well, next thing you know, we arranged for a swap the following night with the two of them. I was so nervous. Her husband was a bald man who was sweating like a pig, but OMG—he was awesome!! After that, John and I started swapping three times a week and have met tons of interesting people, one of whom is our new dentist!
I know many of you have been concerned about the recent fires in our area. During the San Lucas fire, we got a notification at 4 a.m. to evacuate. I woke up the kids and started packing frantically. Right before we left, I told John to go down to the basement and grab “Bucky,” the stuffed walrus that he won for me at Six Flags on our first date. But John said Bucky was too big to bring with us to a hotel and would take up too much room in the car. I said Bucky had great sentimental value and I could put him in the front passenger seat while I sat in the back with the kids. He said he wasn’t going to drive with a stuffed walrus sitting next to him and that’s that.
We screamed at each other for a good 10 minutes before we finally left, but the fact that he had so little regard for Bucky spoke volumes about our relationship and we’ve since separated—far from amicably. In fact, last week I wrote an anonymous letter to his boss, who now knows that John has been robbing him blind for the last few years. All I want for Christmas is to never see him again for the rest of my life.
Meanwhile, I’ve taken the kids and moved out of state. He has no idea where I am, so if any of you want to get in touch with me, please call. I feel like e-mails could be traced.
All in all, quite a year. Can’t wait to hear what’s up with you guys. Have a great 2023!
Larry David is a co-creator of Seinfeld and the creator of Curb Your Enthusiasm