OMG. You will not believe it. Right when we were checking in, like just 20 minutes ago, you would not believe who we saw right when we were checking in. DONALD TRUMP!!!! We could not believe it. Before we had decided where to have our Wedding Experience, I was telling my colorist, Keller, I told Keller we were having a hard time deciding where to have the wedding, and Keller was like, “Check this out,” and he showed me this video from Twitter. It was some girl named Blaire Erskine, and she was just going on and on about having her wedding at Mar-a-Lago and how she even got to see and ACTUALLY TALK TO TRUMP. That’s all Adam had to hear. We booked it.
We knew that actually talking to Trump was too much to hope for, but me and Adam did sort of dream we might, like, get a view, or a whatever you call it, if he walked by with some world leaders or Kanye in the distance. And I mean, like, we had not been there five minutes, maybe probably less, I didn’t technically time it, and there he was, just walking by, probs on his way to some big meeting or at least something.
I guess he overheard me say how I was part of the McEleney-Albanowitz wedding party because he leaned over my shoulder and said to the whatever-you-call-the person-who-checks-you-in, you know, the checker-in-er, he said, President Trump himself said, “Take good care of this pretty young woman. Whatever she wants, make sure she gets it.” He said that. He said, “Whatever she wants, make sure she gets it,” or “give it to her,” or “get it for her fast.” Something classy like that. I almost fainted, and I am so not kidding. I mean, Adam and me super-hoped we might get a glimpse of him, but we knew it was totally, like, a long shot, and then there he was!
I told him that Adam loves him so much he proposed to me wearing a MAGA hat only but in our case the MAGA stood for “Marry Adam Garry Albanowitz.” President Trump then told us that the MAGA hat is the best-selling hat in the history of headwear. So that was just, like, a fascinating thing I never knew. Anyway, how LUCKY are we that two days before the wedding, we see the greatest president this country has ever had, including Donald Reagan.
OMG!!! I am so not kidding: We saw him again!! It was during our rehearsal dinner and Adam’s nana was giving, like, the sweetest toast when we heard someone in the back of the room, like, clear their throat, like really loud, so we turned around to see who it was and it was President Trump!! Hello: AGAIN!!!
He said he didn’t mean to interrupt, he was on his way to a super-important meeting, but he just, like, wanted to wish us the best even though we already had it since we were at Mar-a-Lago, and didn’t everyone agree that it was the best place they’d ever been in or even heard about being in?
He said, “Whatever she wants, make sure she gets it,” or “give it to her,” or “get it for her fast.” Something classy like that.
A lot of people clapped for that. When they did, he walked up to Nana and pulled the mike out of her hand, and OMG, you will not believe: he gave us a toast! He talked for like, I swear, 20 minutes. The man doesn’t even know us and he talked for, like, 30 minutes—maybe 40. A lot of it, I’ll just be honest, went right over my head. Like, I don’t know what the Arizona recount has to do with me and Adam and our journey of love, I just know it was, like, so super-thoughtful, especially with all he has to do!
O.K., so we’re in the middle of the wedding and our vows coordinator says to the crowd, “Adam and Eileen have spoken of their love for each other, but they want this to be a celebration of everyone’s love. If anyone here has a story about love, please share it.” So Nana got up, probably to finish the toast from last night, but then someone says, “I can talk about love like nobody can talk about love,” and there he is again, President Trump, standing in the back of the room. A lot of people hadn’t been at the rehearsal dinner so this was their first time seeing him and they could not, like, believe it.
It was my third time, so I could.
He walked up to Nana and reached for the mike, but she wouldn’t let go of it. He’s not that strong, I guess, ’cause he was using both hands and couldn’t get it away. So he quit and pulled one out of his pocket. Trump said the greatest love he’d ever known was from the American public, which loved him more than they had ever loved any president except maybe Lincoln, but that was because he was shot. “Smart play for sympathy,” he said.
I am so not kidding when I say that he did not stop talking for like an hour about how there’s totally no way he lost Georgia. Look, I’m like super-sorry that the Clintons and the failing New York Times stole the election from him, but talk about pot-calling-the-kettle-black: He was stealing our wedding. He didn’t even mention us! Adam still thinks he’s nice and says no one will forget our wedding because of this, but I am so not kidding when I say I cannot hear one more word about Maricopa County.
Adam hates him now, too. He and his dad were golfing and Trump, like, totally crashed their game. In addition to the nonstop crazy talk, Adam said he cheats. On three holes he put down “1,” and once he had “minus 6.”
I never thought I’d spend my honeymoon in a Travelodge, but we’ve been, like, way, way happier since we moved over here. Our last, like, view of Trump was almost sad. We were all having dinner around the pool when he came out and said, “Who wants a selfie?” Everyone started either moving away or hiding behind the platinum menus. One older gentleman jumped in the pool. He had all his clothes on but just let go of his walker and jumped in. He told us later when Adam was pumping his stomach, “I already have three selfies with him and I only got here at lunch.” The woman who checked us in at the Travelodge, the like whatever you call it, the checker-in-er, said more than half their customers are refugees from Mar-a-Lago. Back when Keller showed me that Twitter video of that Blaire girl who loved it here, I wouldn’t have believed it, but I like totally get it now.
I am so not kidding.
Douglas McGrath is a screenwriter and director. He wrote the book for Beautiful: The Carole King Musical