The holiday season is here, and it seems everywhere you go there is someone with an outstretched hand expecting a gratuity. Whom do you give to and whom do you pass by? And what amount is appropriate? Here’s a quick rundown on the going tip rate for some of the more common service providers this past year.
Homeland Security guy who let you pet his bomb-sniffing dog your first time back at the airport:
$10.
E.M.S. worker who treated you for injuries when a TikTok challenge you were attempting went horribly wrong:
$25.
Costco worker who gave you a heads-up whenever a new shipment of toilet paper came in:
$100.
Flight attendant who bound and gagged the ranting, out-of-control anti-masker sitting next to you:
$100.
Anyone who was able to successfully explain to you the financial benefits of a SPAC, the coming importance of the metaverse, or the cultural relevance of Squid Game:
$200.
Co-worker who discreetly texted you during a Zoom call to adjust your camera because not only could everyone tell you weren’t wearing pants, they could see your junk:
$300.
Next-door neighbor who took down his Fuck Biden flag for the day your daughter was making her first holy communion:
$50.
Local pharmacist who somehow managed to convince your idiot brother-in-law to get vaxxed:
$150.
Janitor who helped you barricade your office door during an unfortunate disgruntled-employee workplace incident:
$150.
Dr. Anthony Fauci:
$25.
Friend who hooked you up with some ivermectin to de-worm your horse:
$50. (For all other uses: $0.)
N.Y.C. apartment-building doorman:
$200. (Substantially more if you actually live in the building.)
John Ficarra was the editor of Mad magazine