Dear boys and girls:

Ho! Ho! Ho! It’s me, jolly ole Saint Nick!

It’s almost Christmastime! I’ve been making my list and checking it twice. I see that all of you have been trying very hard this year to be good little boys and girls.

Unfortunately, some of your parents have not. In fact, they’ve been naughty! They have not listened to their doctor and are refusing to get vaccinated against the coronavirus. Covid-19 is a very bad disease, one that Santa, who is “high risk,” could catch very easily, and maybe even die from.

Santa’s doctor strongly advised him not to travel this holiday season.

All of this has made Mrs. Claus very upset. She said she doesn’t want to be a widow and she really doesn’t want to have to go back into the North Pole dating scene at her age.

Time’s running out.

But nothing can stop Santa Claus from coming to town! So he got his vaccination and booster shot. And he’s happy to report that 93 percent of his elves have been vaccinated. They have until December 20 to get their shot or Santa will be forced to fire their little butts. They better hope Keebler is hiring.

Santa’s doctor strongly advised him not to travel this holiday season.

Santa’s also decided that masks must be worn at all times at the North Pole toy shop. This rule applies even to the reindeer, except for Rudolph, who has a medical exemption—a breathing condition caused by his red nose. (Rudolph is taking ivermectin, but that’s for a parasite infection, nothing to do with the coronavirus.)

But in order for Santa to be as safe as possible, he has one more new rule: If your mommy and daddy aren’t vaccinated, Santa has no choice but to fly right over your house this Christmas Eve. No toys, no goodies, no exceptions!

Yes, West Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. But with your measly 49 percent double-vaccinated rate, he will be skipping most of your state.

So, boys and girls, tell Mommy and Daddy to stop listening to people who are nuttier than Mrs. Claus’s fruitcake. Just like Santa sees when you are sleeping, and knows when you’re awake, he knows if you’ve been vaxxed or not, so get vaxxed for goodness’ sake!

Merry Christmas to one and all—I hope!


John Ficarra was the editor of Mad magazine