Dear Sir or Madam:
Congratulations! Here’s your personal application to join the Grand Old Party.
As you know, Republicans are the only ones preventing our forever great and exceptional nation from falling into the anti-gun, anti-God, anti-flag, pronoun-slinging hellhole of Bernie Sanders, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and A.O.C.-style Communism and socialism.
It is truly our great white privilege to send this along, with the hopes that you’ll pass the test and help us preserve freedom, democracy, and Confederate statues everywhere.
So put down that gun, pick up a pen, and let’s see if you’ve got the Really Right Stuff to Make America Great Again.
First, tell us a little about yourself.
- Pronoun check! How would you prefer to be addressed? (check one):
( ) Mr. ( ) Mrs. ( ) Miss ( ) Officer ( ) Grand Wizard
- First name _______________
Last Name (No hyphens, now, please.) _______________
- Please provide the following quantities:
Number of guns you own _______________
Pickup trucks _______________
American flags _______________
“Live Free or Die” tattoos_______________
Books you own by Fox News hosts _______________
Non-functioning automobiles and trucks _______________
Currently active restraining orders _______________
- Obviously, you’re pro-life. But can you give us the number of abortions you’ve paid for, or had, in the past five years? (An approximation is fine.) _______________
- Have you, or any of your ex-spouses, named any of your children one of the following: Newt, Reagan, Sean, Tucker, Rush, or Dixie? _______________
- Male baby-boomers only: How did you get out of serving in the Vietnam War, anyway? _______________
Now tell us a little something about your politics and your core belief system.
Please put a check mark next to all the things you absolutely know to be true.
- The schools and colleges in America aren’t educating our children; they’re indoctrinating them to hate America.
- Donald Trump won the 2020 election.
- I’m not anti-mask; I’m anti-mandate.
- The coronavirus is a hoax.
- Thank God for Amy Coney Barrett; Chief Justice John Roberts is a huge disappointment.
- It’s not climate change; it’s weather.
- And what do you expect to do with all those windmills when the wind’s not blowing, anyways?
- I didn’t get the vaccination because the U.S. government has no right to tell me what I can, or can’t, do with my body (unless I’m a pregnant teenager in Texas).
- My idea of a “safe space” is in the driver’s seat of my Ford F-150 or the cockpit of an F-16.
- I’m sick of endless wars, but Biden shouldn’t have pulled us out of Afghanistan.
- General Mark Milley, the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, should be in jail.
- James Comey should be in jail.
- Peter Strzok, Lisa Page, and Andrew McCabe should also be in jail.
- Anthony Fauci funded the gain-of-function research at the Wuhan lab where the Covid-19 coronavirus escaped from.
- He should also be in jail.
- Tucker Carlson is right: Biden hasn’t closed the Mexican border because, by letting all those illegals in, he’s creating the next generation of Democratic voters, who will significantly outnumber Republicans.
- And let’s not forget about Hunter Biden. He should be in jail, too.
- The only time I want my kids exposed to critical race theory is at a NASCAR event that involves high-octane fossil fuels and a checkered flag.
- QAnon. Ivermectin. Hydroxychloroquine. Hillary, Soros, Jeffrey Epstein. Those U.S. Navy videos of unidentified flying objects. Shhh! Don’t tell anybody. It’s all true.
- Kamala Harris’s cackle is:
B) The sound of the Apocalypse.
C) The only thing keeping Joe Biden in the Oval Office.
- As far as I’m concerned, what happened at the Capitol on January 6 was:
A) An Antifa false-flag event.
B) An F.B.I.-instigated Reichstag-fire operation.
C) A group of peaceful patriots exercising their constitutional rights.
D) Pretty much a typical Monday night at my house during football season.
My idea of a “safe space” is in the driver’s seat of my Ford F-150 or the cockpit of an F-16.
Summing up, two final questions.
- Where did you first hear about the Republican Party?
A) At home.
B) On TV.
C) God himself spoke to me.
- In the event Donald J. Trump does not run in 2024, which Trump will you support for the presidency?
A) Don Jr.
C) Tucker Carlson.
D) The “My Pillow” guy?
O.K.! That’s it! You’re almost finished!
Please send this completed application, along with your non-refundable $250 application fee, to:
The New My G.O.P. Membership Committee
c/o Steve Bannon
1314 Old Dixie Highway
Palm Beach, Florida 33401
Visa, Mastercard, and checks accepted. Cash, gold bullion, silver, or Bitcoin preferred. Ask us about our reverse-mortgage program!
Bruce Feirstein is a Los Angeles–based writer and the author of three Bond films