For a while in early 2020, he was the ubiquitous face of the Democratic Party. His daily briefings on the status of the coronavirus in New York became must-see TV. Cuomosexual T-shirts could be spotted around Manhattan. There were even whispers of his somehow replacing Joe Biden as the Democratic presidential nominee. But then it all came tumbling down around Governor Andrew Cuomo in a series of sexual-misconduct allegations and a damning investigative report by the New York State attorney general.
Since he resigned the governorship in disgrace, on August 24, Andrew Cuomo has gone underground. He’s reportedly holed up in a friend’s home in Southampton, but little else is known about this once all-powerful man. How does he spend his days? What is his mindset? It took some digging, but after conversations with numerous friends and former aides, as well as with a few well-placed partisan crackpots, a portrait has emerged of the typical day in the life of the former governor. It isn’t pretty.
8:00 A.M.: Wake up, realize it wasn’t all just a bad dream, weep.
8:15 A.M.: Sit on toilet, close eyes, pretend to still be zipping around New York State in the Sikorsky S-76D executive helicopter.
8:30 A.M.: Hug cleaning lady.
9:00 A.M.: File appeal for denial of New York State unemployment-insurance claim.
10:00 A.M.: Finally get around to reading the book he wrote.
11:00 A.M.: Forward sexual-harassment-lawyer contact info to brother Chris.
11:15 A.M.: Call up Democratic pollster to see if chances for a political comeback have improved since yesterday.
Noon: Daily Zoom call with Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner; dial-in code: “WhatMightHaveBeen123.”
1:00 P.M.: Hug FedEx delivery guy.
2:00 P.M.: Instruct assistant to quietly put out feelers to Dancing with the Stars, The new Dating Game, and Bachelor in Paradise.
3:00 P.M.: Call around to banks for highest C.D. rates for his $18 million campaign fund.
3:30 P.M.: Just for the hell of it, google countries that do not have extradition treaties with the U.S.
4:00 P.M.: Hug the two guys who cut the grass.
5:30 P.M.: Remove pants, crank up the stereo, re-create Tom Cruise’s dancing scene in Risky Business.
6:00 P.M.: Discuss with shrink recurring urge to “just end it all by jumping off the Mario M. Cuomo Bridge.”
7:15 P.M.: Hug random stranger walking past the house.
8:00 P.M.: Quiet dinner, alone.
9:00 P.M.: Tune in to CNN’s Cuomo Prime Time. After a few minutes, switch over to Yankees game.
3:00 A.M.: Anonymously send 25 calzones to the home of New York State attorney general Letitia James.
John Ficarra was the editor of Mad magazine
