CAPTAIN SMITH: We have made tremendous advances in our fight against Berg-12, or, as I call it, “the Arctic Iceberg.” I also call it “the Frozen Enemy.” A lot of people don’t know that icebergs are just, like, a lot of really cold water. Polar explorers come up to me all the time and say, “Sir, you understand ice, icebergs, all this stuff better than maybe even Shackleton.” My great-great-great-uncle, William Cullen, invented refrigeration at the University of Glasgow. Good genes. Perhaps I should’ve gone into iceboxes.

We’re going to be doing a very strong bailout over the next short period of time. Any passenger who wants a bucket gets one. And they’re beautiful buckets: galvanized metal, comfortable handles, no holes. They’re perfect, just like the telegram I sent to the Imperial German Navy was perfect.