On April 15, Kellyanne Conway mistakenly insisted that 19 refers to the latest in multiple variations of the virus. It refers to the year the coronavirus was identified.
Covid-1
This was the beta version of Covid. It tanked, just like Obama’s rollout of the far-left elitist democratic-socialist Obamacare Web site. And civil rights.
Covid-2
Under President Trump’s leadership, Covid-2 was pre-emptively ended through the Muslim ban. That’s why nobody has even heard of it. The ban didn’t apply to the Muslims from Saudi Arabia, U.A.E., Qatar, Turkey, and other countries with Trump properties.
Covid-3
Many people were saying that Covid-3 could be passed from babies to their parents, so this administration stepped in to separate kids from their parents at the border. Pandemic avoided. Thank you, Mr. President and Stephen Miller!
Covid-4 through Covid-14
These are the flyover Covids. The West Coast and Northeast had a natural immunity—one of the benefits of climate change. (Thank you, Mr. President and Koch brothers!) These Covids attack the immune system, reducing recognition of facts, so no harm there.
Covid-15
Was a big fucking disappointment. It was heralded as the deadliest Covid strain ever, but slipping it into George’s tea over several weeks had no effect whatsoever. Covid-15 is a disgrace.
Covid-16
O.K., the fake news reported on Covid-16, but it turned out to be a hoax like the Russia hoax and the Ukraine hoax and the Trump University hoax and the porn-star hoax. “Covid-16” “supposedly” flared up in Riyadh, but M.B.S. cleared that up. Thank you, Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia Mohammed bin Salman Al Saud and Jared Kushner!
Covid-17
This was potentially the most lethal Covid of all, but Trump was able to prevent it from even entering the atmosphere. Thank you, Mr. President and Space Force!
Covid-18
Covid-18, better known as Covid-Romney, should be expelled from the Republican Party.
Covid-19
The way the Dems are whining about this Covid, you’d think they’d never seen a Covid before. Fortunately, the president saw the opportunity—$1,200 signed checks to voters, billion-dollar bailouts to campaign contributors, and nightly mini-rallies from the White House. Thank you, Mr. President and Covid-19!
Covid-20
The most insidious Covid of them all. It caused us to cancel the 2020 elections and keep President Trump in office … but I’m getting ahead of myself.
Lewis Friedman writes for film and television and is also a speechwriter