To the first big branding question of 2020: what is it about Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina that makes it so marketable for Gwyneth Paltrow? We’ve learnt about how she has (expensively) steamed it, (expensively) put jade eggs up it and (expensively) fed it a supplement called Sex Dust. I’ve no idea how it works, but Sex Dust strikes me as the oddest one. Surely the last thing you’d want to be supplying your vag with is dust? That’s a sure-fire tetchiness scenario, right there. Yet it’s $60 a jar and has sold out on her website, So confusing.

But then everything to do with Gwyneth’s cutlery drawer is confusing. It all seems … a bit of an effort? The amount of upkeep Paltrow’s wah-wah needs makes it come across as basically ill, or faulty — the Tiny Tim of vags, barely clinging to life as it hobbles around Hollywood crying out for another mad egg. Is it possible for your vagina to die before you do? Gwyneth’s seems like it might. If not of actual illness, then exhaustion. Its schedule seems arduous. I’m happy to open a book and take bets.

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