Welcome, everybody, to the first newsletter from the Lady Hale Fan Club, established just now after the landmark case, Lady Hale v Those Populists Who Say It’s All Just a Plot to Stop Brexit (When It’s Actually the Establishment Looking to Subvert Democracy), which ruled unanimously in her favour.
Lady Hale has endorsed the fan club and will keep us informed of all her activities — what brooch she’ll be wearing when — and will also share her favourite recipes for calling out liars and anyone who attempts to hustle through a strategy without properly consulting parliament. Such recipes, we know, won’t be to everyone’s taste. Jacob Rees-Mogg, for instance, will likely make quite a face. Even though the sanctity of the British judiciary is in fact the very thing you’d imagine he’d most want? Sometimes nothing makes sense, I think we’ll all just have to agree.
So, again, welcome to this newsletter, founded to honour the woman who has lately trended on Twitter, single-handedly revived the brooch, made headlines in America and instigated discussions no one imagined they would ever be having — “What is the meaning of this brooch, please?” There is even a Lady Hale spider T-Shirt available for £10 from eBay, with 30 per cent of the proceeds being donated to Shelter. This sold 6,000 units in less than 24 hours, raising £18,000 for the homeless. Certainly, the club plans to devise its own T-shirts. We’ve yet to decide definitively on a slogan, but are thinking of: “This ‘Girly Swot’ is the Most Senior Judge in the Country, So Suck That Up, Fella.” Or: “I Went to a Yorkshire Grammar School and You Went to Eton, but I’m the Elite?”
Lady Hale will keep us informed of all her activities — what brooch she’ll be wearing when — and will also share her favourite recipes for calling out liars.
In either instance 30 per cent of the proceeds will be donated to the Boris Johnson Tech Literacy Fund so he no longer has to schlep to that flat in Shoreditch for “computer lessons”. [The reference is to Prime Minister Johnson’s close personal friend Jennifer Arcuri and her pole-dancing-equipped apartment.] He is a busy man, Boris, and he probably needed that schlep like a hole in the head. Although, to be fair, there is nothing on the record to suggest he ever complained about it.
Now, what can you expect from the Lady Hale Fan Club? You can expect regular updates, special brooch discount offers and coach trips to sites of interest. One such trip will be to see the pub where she once worked part-time to support herself as a student because, let us not forget, she is an “ex-barmaid”.
However, should we forget, not a worry, since the Daily Mail will be sure to remind us. Lady Hale is the first woman to be appointed president of the Supreme Court, is professor of law at Manchester University, was the first woman appointed to the Law Commission, was the first woman to be appointed a law lord and was the first person from her school to get into Cambridge … but “ex-barmaid” is what it all came down to in that particular headline.
Which Is the Greater Traducement?
Elsewhere, it was “Battle-Axe Brenda”. Which is the greater traducement, we will be asking in a poll. We will also be asking: why do some men fear clever women, like we don’t know?
We hope Lady Hale will agree to answer our questions directly at some point, but in the meantime there’s the matter of that particular spider brooch, worn on that particular occasion, and what it might mean (please). Given Johnson’s partiality for the classics, the club is favouring Greek mythology and Athena’s rebuke to Arachne for the sin of mortal pride and her weaving, which “depicted ways that the gods had misled and abused mortals, particularly Zeus, tricking and seducing many women”.
This hubris resulted in her being turned into a spider. “Arachne’s hair fell out. With it went her nose and ears, her head shrank to the smallest size and her whole body became tiny. Her fingers tuck to her sides as legs, the rest is belly, from which she still spins a thread and, as a spider, weaves her ancient web.” The law is excellent, but not the only way to deal with those who piss you off. It would seem.