This week, Melania Trump released her much-anticipated memoir, the cleverly titled Melania. To determine whether you should read it, take this short quiz. If you score high enough, you already know the contents of Melania and can skip it. Good luck!
1. Melania says she published this book because:
a) “I hope to show you the woman behind the public persona, to illuminate the values and experiences that have shaped me, and to offer insights into the complexities of life in the public eye.”
b) “I was promised I wouldn’t have to write any of it.”
c) “I realized my Trump Media stock would soon be worthless.”
2. Melania’s role model is:
a) Her mother
b) Rosie O’Donnell
c) E. Jean Carroll
3. When Melania immigrated to America:
a) “I was ready to embrace the path ahead.”
b) “I was ready to take jobs away from American lingerie models.”
c) “I was ready to eat Americans’ dogs and cats.”
4. When Melania first met Donald Trump:
a) “I was captivated by his charm and easygoing nature.”
b) “I wondered what made him that color.”
c) “I noticed he had the hands of a nine-year-old girl.”
5. According to Melania, her husband won the 2016 election because:
a) “Donald had poured his heart and soul into building a movement that could bring about real change.”
b) “After 240 years, Americans were getting sick of democracy.”
c) “Vladimir Putin spent a shit ton on Facebook ads.”
6. Melania came up with this slogan:
a) “Be Best.”
b) “I’m Lovin’ It.”
c) “Do the Dew.”
7. Melania’s infamous jacket asked this question:
a) “I really don’t care, do u?”
b) “What’s love got to do with it?”
c) “How is my driving?”
8. Chapter Four of Melania is entitled:
a) “Lights, Camera, Model”
b) “Lights, Camera, Coup Attempt”
c) “Lights, Camera, Ketchup”
9. Melania and her husband both love the work of:
a) Elton John
b) Lil Jon
c) John Wayne Gacy
10. When Melania was accused of plagiarizing her R.N.C. speech from Michelle Obama:
a) “I realized that I had relied too much on others in this crucial endeavor.”
b) “I said to myself, ‘When they go low, we go high.’”
c) “I vowed never to use a ghostwriter again, unless I published a memoir.”
11. Donald Trump invited Melania into:
a) The White House Situation Room
b) Wolf Blitzer’s Situation Room
c) Jeffrey Epstein’s sex dungeon
12. Melania believes a woman is entitled to:
a) Reproductive freedom
b) A husband who abstains from sex with porn stars
c) Terrifying, blood-red Christmas trees
SCORING: The correct answer to every question is “a.”
- If you got fewer than seven questions right, sorry—you have to read Melania, which, according to Amazon, will take six hours and 45 minutes that you will never get back.
- If you got between 7 and 11 right, good news—you can skip Melania!
- If you got all 12 right, congratulations—you might be Melania!
Andy Borowitz is the creator of the award-winning news-satire site the Borowitz Report, which has readers in 175 countries
