It’s outrageous that there are so many people in the park! I only came here because I thought they wouldn’t be. It’s so selfish of them! I think I might take a photo of them in the park, and put it on social media to show how shocked I am at there being so many people in the park. While I, myself, am also in the park.

Also, the way they jump out of the way when I walk past! It’s offensive. Do I look infectious? Although the ones who don’t are even worse. Don’t they know we’re all supposed to be socially distancing? Honestly, I wonder if these people know that they’re only supposed to be here for exercise? Some of them are sitting down and having picnics. That’s really bad. Not least because it means that there is no room for me to do the same.


Also, all of these joggers! Where did they come from? I bet they never used to be joggers. Three weeks ago, I bet there were hardly any joggers. Not that I’d know, myself, because I only started jogging last Wednesday. And I’d be enjoying it far more if all of the other joggers were a bit more considerate. I particularly hate all the slow ones in front of me. How come they never look over their shoulders, see me coming and get out of the way? Although even worse than them are the faster ones. It’s like they come out of nowhere.


The supermarkets are horrible, too. All of those people queueing outside in masks? So stupid! They’ve no idea if they even help. But they buy them, anyway, which means they aren’t readily available for the people who really need them. I only just managed to get the chemist’s last box.

Then there’s all this panic buying. How am I supposed to make my own essential purchases, such as 4.6 miles of lavatory paper and enough Hobnobs to last until 2024? The supermarkets claim they only let old people in for the first hour, but it’s just not true. I was in ours first thing yesterday and at least half the people were definitely under 70. Some of them were even younger than me.


I’m also staggered at the selfishness of all these people who are self-isolating in their second homes. Quite apart from anything else, it’s creating a huge amount of resentment against second home owners, which makes me worry that the neighbours will be really nasty this weekend when we get to our own cottage in Suffolk.

I wonder if they have flour out there? We can’t get any. I blame all these people who have decided to spend the lockdown learning to bake, and who seem to have absolutely no consideration at all for all the other people who have decided to do that, too.


Weirdly noisy round our way last night. I put on the telly to watch the live coverage of the big cheer for the NHS, but there was so much din that I couldn’t even hear it.

The park is full again, obviously. People do claim to be socially distancing, but they don’t seem to realise that if they’re all two metres apart from each other then there’s no room for me to walk between them. And I still don’t understand what they’re all doing here, anyway. I bet some of them have gardens. Why aren’t they staying in them? I’d love to be in their gardens! Particularly as I’m so bored with mine. I went on the B&Q website to get some stuff to do it up, but I was in a virtual queue of over 200,000 people, I bet none of whom had given me a second thought at all.

Worse still, the police were in the park, and an officer told me off for surreptitiously swigging from a bottle of chilled rosé. Apparently a non-essential intoxicant and I could have been drinking Asda vodka.

“It’s outrageous,” I tell him, “that you’re even here!”

“But it’s a lovely day,” says the policeman, plaintively, “and we fancied a walk.”

*According to Hugo Rifkind