Chelsea Handler has grown up. Sort of. The no-holds-barred comedian published her seventh book, I’ll Have What She’s Having, on the very day she turned 50. While she’s still wild and unfiltered, she’s added a touch of wisdom to her repertoire. “It’s never too late to get your shit together,” she says. With her best-selling book; her new Netflix special, The Feeling; the Dear Chelsea podcast; and a residency at the Cosmopolitan of Las Vegas, Handler is proving that you can soften your bark without losing your bite.
MORNING ROUTINE: I wake up around 6:30, meditate, and answer e-mails for about a half-hour. I try desperately not to go on social media before noon. At 7:30 every morning, I do high-intensity weight training at Ben Bruno’s house. Then I swing by Starbucks and get some egg-white bites.
VITAMINS and SUPPLEMENTS: I take zinc, vitamin D, colostrum, CoQ10, and metformin. I also take lots of peptides, and that really helps with anti-aging and muscle recovery.
SNACK: Chunky Chocolate and Lemon Delight Think bars are my favorites.
COCKTAIL/MOCKTAIL: My Chelsea Handler’s Vodka Lemonade for Owl’s Brew. I wanted a smooth vodka lemonade that wasn’t carbonated, and it is delicious.
CREATIVITY HACK: I’ve learned over time to be patient with my creativity. I let my bursts come naturally, and when they do, I pay attention. Sometimes you need to have experiences first. There is a planting and a harvest, and you have to know when your time is.
MOOD LIFTER: I micro-dose some LSD.
ENERGY BOOST: Coffee is not my thing, although I’ll have an iced coffee occasionally. I’ll drink half a Celsius if I really have to wake up, or I’ll take a shot of BrainJuice. It has natural caffeine, and that does the trick for me.
SPA TREATMENT: I love a deep-tissue massage for no less than 90 minutes. If I could get a four-hour massage, I would! I once got two massages in the same day at the same hotel. I used a different name so they would think it was someone else.
SKIN-CARE M.V.P.: My Luzern serum and cream are favorites. They keep your face looking bright and awake. From an early age, I realized dry skin was a huge ick for me, so I always moisturized. Now I’m on the Gold Bond train.
MAKEUP HEROES: I’m never without Lancôme mascara. That’s all I’ll wear if I’m not onstage.
SCENT: My friend came out with this perfume, XOa. She knows how much I hate smells but thought I’d like this one. And I do!
HAIR CARE: I put it back and up or leave it down and frizzy with my Jewfro. I don’t put a lot of effort into making it look great when I’m not on camera.
BEAUTY TREATMENT YOU’LL NEVER, EVER DO AGAIN: I’ve done every painful procedure you can imagine, but Morpheus8 was one of the worst. I used to do lasers all the time, but my skin is too thin for them. It’s not good for people as fair as I am.
GUILTY PLEASURE: Watching The Baldwins on television. I don’t watch reality TV, but for some reason this one got me.
SMALL HABIT THAT’S MADE A BIG difference IN YOUR LIFE: Reading a book for an hour a day.
ON THE ROAD: I’m not a fan of water, and everyone is trying to shove it down our throats, so I make sure to get my electrolytes in. And sleep is crucial! I’ll take an occasional edible or Xanax if I’m traveling, but I never take anything for multiple days in a row.
WORK ETHIC: I’ve never had a problem working hard, and I respect that about myself. As I moved through the world, I learned that hustling is going to make a difference and your hustle really matters. You’ve got to be the champion of yourself.
HOW DO YOU QUICKLY PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER? If I part my hair in the middle and slick it back, that can get me past not taking a shower or being hungover and exhausted. Physically, if I need to pull myself together, I’ll have protein and some fat every three to four hours and cut out carbs and alcohol for several days. My body responds quickly to that regime.
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I don’t think I would change anything. I’ve grown to really love myself and my appearance.
PAST STYLE REGRETS: Loud, Jersey-looking styles; too many extensions; and fake eyelashes. I look back and think, Oh God, why didn’t someone tell me to stop?
WHEN ARE YOU HAPPIEST? In my two getaways: Whistler or Majorca.
PIECE OF ADVICE YOU’D GIVE TO YOUR YOUNGER SELF: The sooner you can learn to be patient with stupid people, the better off everyone will be.
WHEN DO YOU FEEL THE MOST BEAUTIFUL? When I’m in glam mode. I went to the Vanity Fair Oscar party this year and felt pretty beautiful. I rarely look at pictures of myself, but when I saw some from that night, I thought, Wow, this is amazing that I’m 50 years old and look like this.
BEST THING ABOUT aging: I am more present in every situation. I don’t care about the past, and I’m not worried about the future. I now know that being present is the No. 1 prescriber of joyousness.
BOOK NOTES: With my new book, I focused on inspiring others to have the same sense of confidence and self-assuredness that I now have. My intention was to give a road map to girls and women, saying, “Listen, this is our only life. Let’s unapologetically go after it in the best way we know how.”
Holly Parmelee, formerly an associate publisher at Little, Brown and Company, is an editor and writer at Serendipity magazine
