Perhaps the one point of consensus from Tom Brady’s controversial Netflix roast: we all need more Nikki Glaser in our lives. The Cleveland-born, 39-year-old stand-up comedian behind shows including FBoy Island and Lovers and Liars, as well as The Nikki Glaser Podcast, just dropped a new HBO special, Someday You’ll Die. “Some moms think that if you don’t have kids, you’re a selfish person,” she says onstage in a sheer, sequined minidress. “And I get that. I just don’t feel like devoting my free time to something that could marry a D.J.” She’s not wrong. Here, she shares her post-show bedtime routine, from hair-extension and eyelash removal to Reddit scrolling.
WHEN DO YOU START GETTING READY FOR BED?
I’m on the road and in hotels. I’m getting ready for bed as soon as I walk into my room at the end of the night, between 11 P.M. and 1 A.M. It’s earlier when I don’t have stand-up, because I just really don’t know what to do with my time at night.
TAKE US THROUGH YOUR NIGHTTIME SKIN-CARE ROUTINE.
It’s rather short, and I wish it were longer because I feel like I’m failing as a woman when my skin-care routine is as short as most men’s. I tuck my hair into the back of my shirt—I usually can’t find a clip because I’m really disorganized—and wash my face with Hers Clear Waters Hydrating Cleanser. Then I use the Ordinary’s 100% Plant-Derived Squalane. That’s literally all I use.
DO YOU ADD ANY EXTRA STEPS AFTER A SHOW OR EVENT?
I usually take out my hair extensions way before I get to bed. They’ll come out in public. I don’t care if people see me take them out. I almost want people to see me take them out, because I want people to understand that having thick hair is an illusion for most women on TV and that you shouldn’t compare yourself to us. I take off my eyelashes and put those next to the sink so that my boyfriend gets scared and thinks they’re house centipedes.
DO YOU TAKE ANY SUPPLEMENTS BEFORE BED?
I take melatonin. If I’m struggling, I’ll take 10 milligrams, and that works so well for me. And I know everyone I ever tell to take melatonin always says, “It doesn’t work for me,” or, “I wake up right away,” or, “I feel groggy.” My answer to that is it’s because you keep telling yourself that’s what it does to you. I’m sure it’s not good for you long-term, but I have always found it helps me get to sleep. Maybe I’m abusing it.
WHAT’S ONE THING YOU HAVE TO DO BEFORE BED?
I just started washing my retainer every night. I used to just wash it when it would look grimy, but my friends were like, “That’s really disgusting.”
HOW DO YOU DECOMPRESS AFTER A LONG DAY?
After shows, I don’t like to just go right home. I really like to stay at a venue and hang with my friends and eat dinner. YouTube and Reddit are my nighttime social-media sites. I don’t really check them throughout the day because I like to save them as a treat that almost incentivizes going to bed.
ON TO YOUR PAJAMAS …
I have to find one of three shirts that are extra-large. One of them is from the show FBoy Island. One of them is a Taylor Swift shirt. The other one is from some podcasts of two guys that aren’t even podcasting together anymore, one of whom I had a fling with, so I only wear that one when my boyfriend is out of town. I don’t want trouble.
BOTTOMS?
I did just read Charlize Theron’s [answers], and she says to put on pants in case there’s an earthquake. I think I’m O.K. being pantless. If there’s an earthquake, people aren’t going to be like, “Oh my God, look how embarrassing that girl is.” They’re just going to be like, “Oh, my family’s dead in this rubble.” But I always change out of a thong. I would never, ever sleep in a thong. That’s so disgusting.
ARE YOU PARTICULAR ABOUT YOUR SLEEP CONDITIONS?
People that complain about sleep, I literally don’t want to hear it unless you are doing the things that I do, which is keep your room at 65 degrees and make sure you have a really nice comforter that keeps you warm. I also use an eye mask. You need darkness to fall asleep. I also use an app called White Noise, and I use the airplane-travel mode. It literally sounds like you’re on a plane.
HOW ABOUT YOUR BED?
I bought a Flawless Face Pillow that’s good for stomach-sleepers. It’s silk, and it has a carve-out for your face so that the pillow hits you on your forehead and on your chin. I bought the black pillowcase, which I really recommend because those things get really disgusting really fast, especially for someone who uses so much bronzer and doesn’t do a great job of washing their face. I use Cozy Earth sheets. I did some advertising for my podcast, and they sent me some. I’m truly obsessed. I give them as gifts, and they just make me feel so good—like I’m one of those women who takes pride in having luxurious things. I use a cooling comforter from Buffy.
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE YOU TO FALL ASLEEP?
Ten to 40 minutes, depending on what’s going on. If I’m still kind of conscious and not really ready to go to bed, and I’m just kind of drifting, I will listen to A.S.M.R. videos of a soft-spoken woman talk gently about something that I kind of care about. Right now, I’m trying to learn about football, so I’m watching this YouTuber named No Frills.
MOST BIZARRE NIGHTTIME HABIT?
When I’m going through a rough time, I tend to wake up in the middle of the night and eat an entire meal. I’ve had eating-disorder issues in my life. Then, in the morning, I have to look at what I’ve done, and I’m so ashamed. That’s usually when I have to double up my therapy.
WHERE’S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO SLEEP?
Planes are where I get my best sleep, specifically, JetBlue Mint. The ideal is sleeping horizontally, but I don’t fly that way very often. If I’m really being honest, I would prefer sleeping in coach as opposed to just a business-class situation where the chair doesn’t go all the way back. I don’t like having my feet on the ground to sleep. I want to curl up in a ball.
WHAT’S THE BEST NIGHT’S SLEEP YOU’VE EVER HAD?
I don’t think I can [answer this] because, honestly, whenever I get really good sleep, I feel guilty. Our society thinks of sleep as laziness. Usually a good sleep means I have slept into the early afternoon, and living in a capitalist society, that is just inexcusable and makes you have this sense of guilt the rest of the day that you didn’t get enough done. That’s the unfortunate part about living in America.
Clara Molot is a Senior Editor at AIR MAIL
