A message from Donald J. Trump
Hello, it’s Your Favorite President. I’m here today with an exciting offer. It’s your chance to be part of the biggest event in the history of big events! Bigger than any Taylor Swift concert! Bigger than 9/11! It’s the official Donald J. Trump Memorial Service. Yes, when I go, it’s gonna be a sad day, a day of international mourning. But it’s also going to be a great day! And you can be there by purchasing advance tickets now directly from my new website, TrumpRIP.com. Here’s a sneak peek at just some of what I have personally planned. People are telling me they’ve never seen anything like it.
President Donald J. Trump
Memorial Service
Date: TBD
(Though, according to my doctor, it may not be for another 100 years or more!)
Music Prelude
Praise the Don and Pass the Can of Bear Spray
Performed by the J6 Choir
Under the direction of Senator Josh Hawley
Processional
The Trump family
Melania Trump (or current wife), Ivanka & Jared Kushner, Don Jr. Trump, Eric Trump, that daughter I had with Marla Maples, Barron Trump
Honorary PallBearers*
Mark Meadows, Mike Flynn, Allen Weisselberg, Roger Stone, John Eastman, Steve Bannon
*Pallbearers’ availability contingent on issuance of a day pass by their respective prison wardens. Alternate pallbearers: Ye (or whatever the hell name he’s going by), Nick Fuentes, and Kim Jong Un (unless he’s too short and makes my coffin dip down on one side).
Opening Remarks
Russian President and Savvy Genius Vladimir Putin
With translation by Paul Manafort
Selected Readings from the Holy Book
The Art of the Deal (Chapters 1–5), by Tucker Carlson
The Art of the Deal (Chapters 6–10), by Sean Hannity
The Art of the Deal (Chapters 11–14), by Laura Ingraham
Dramatic Reading
Why Can’t I Quit You? (scene from the motion picture Brokeback Mountain)
Performed by Senator Lindsey Graham
Additional Remarks
Rudy Giuliani**
**Sobriety test should be administered prior to allowing Rudy access to the podium
Open MIKE
In the interest of time, speakers must limit conspiracy theories, grievances, and personal attacks to two per person
Eulogy
Sponsored by My Pillow
Delivered by Mike Lindell
Passing of the Collection Plate
All checks must be made payable to “The Trump Kids”
Closing Song
“Crazy”
Performed by the Ladies of MAGA Sextet: Marjorie Taylor Greene, Ginni Thomas, Lauren Boebert, Jeanine Pirro, Sidney Powell, Maria Bartiromo
Featuring guest soloist Kari Lake
***
Gathering and refreshments from McDonald’s to follow the service (cash bar)
Security provided by the Proud Boys in conjunction with the Oath Keepers
Special thanks to the National Seat-Fillers Association
***
We invite mourners to visit the Trump Memorial Souvenir Shop®, located in the rear of the chapel. All purchases are tax deductible.