Dear Melania:
I’ve got to admit it: I’m depressed. A long time ago, I was married to the governor of a large Western city. Then I moved East and became a TV-news star. Then I started dating the incredibly smart and unbelievably handsome eldest son of the greatest, smartest, most accomplished president ever. But I became the target of endless ridicule, snark, and sniping. I know you’ve suffered similarly. Yet you prevailed. What precious words of advice can you give me to answer my critics, and get me through this terrible time? —K.G.; Palm Beach, Fla.
Dear Kimberly Guilfoyle:
I really don’t care. Do U?
***
Dear Melania:
You’re one of the most beautiful, smart, and accomplished women in America, with great taste, a fabulous marriage, and a fantastic husband. So am I. But just like you, I don’t get invited to the Met Ball anymore. I can’t get on the cover of Vogue. I mean, they’re putting men in dresses on the cover these days!!! And Kardashians!!! Even Harper’s Bazaar has zero—bupkes!—interest in me!!! If you got the chance, what would you say to Anna to change her mind? And what should I say to my former friends Chelsea and Karlie, who lord this over me? —I.T.; Miami Beach, Fla.
Dear Ivanka Trump:
I really don’t care about Christmas decorations. Do U?
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Dear Melania:
I don’t get it. I brought peace to the Mid East. I destroyed The New York Observer and put dozens of Trump-hating journalists out of work. I got rid of Rudy, I stuck a shiv in Steve Bannon, I sent Chris Christie packing back to Rocco’s Clam Shack in Sea Bright, N.J. And yet … my father-in-law won’t talk to me because he thinks I’m an idiot, and my wife is furious because I can’t get her the cover of Vogue. Before I ditch everyone and go set up a hedge fund with Mohammed bin Salman in Riyadh (believe me, we could kill it!), do you have any words of wisdom for me? —J.K.; driving somewhere in the Pine Barrens, N.J.
Dear Jared Kushner:
I really don’t care about trashing Jackie’s rose garden. Do U?
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Dear Melania:
So I was shopping online for a sensible pair of flats the other night when somehow—maybe via the Daily Mail?—I followed a link to melaniatrump.com and discovered you’re selling Christmas ornaments and digital NFTs that you created. Honestly??? Tree ornaments and digital tchotchkes? Isn’t this beneath the dignity of a former First Lady? —A.W.; Bellport, Long Island
Dear Anna Wintour:
I really don’t care that he grabbed them by the pussy. Do U?
***
Dear Melania:
Gucci, Givenchy, or Balenciaga? —K.C.; Alpine, N.J.
Dear Kellyanne Conway:
Balenciaga, baby. Balenciaga all the way.
Long recognized by President Donald J. Trump as the greatest, most elegant First Lady of all time, Melania Trump has always offered a sympathetic ear to those in need. To set up a personal consultation, please contact one of our Melania Personal Wellness & Styling Centers. Group insurance, Medicare, and Bitcoin happily accepted