What’s not just for socialists, vegans, and sad, mousy people anymore? What even sort of halfway rhymes with MAGA? That’s right—yoga! Kimberly G. here, reminding you that, with a toned body and a head geared for saving America, you can achieve crazy-great goals! Take me. As a former federal prosecutor, I’m a double threat: I practice law and I practice yoga. But work hard and you too can habeas a corpus like mine, LOL!
I’m doing almost all of my yoga at home these days. This is for a bunch of reasons. Firstly, every commercial yoga studio is full of perpetually aggrieved snowflakes with Ph.D.’s in Intersectional Basket Weaving. If I wanted to stretch and tone against a background of whining, I’d roll out my mat in Nancy Pelosi’s office. Secondly, practicing at home makes a bold statement about the garbage-like heaps and drifts of loaner mats that you find in studios; if you don’t own your own mat, folks, you are contributing to the welfare state. And thirdly: I got sick of my instructor telling me during Cobra Pose that “you don’t need to do the tongue, Kimberly!”
Speaking of poses, which ones are you loving currently? I find I’m staying away from Corpse (Ew!) and Cow Face (reminds me too much of Hillary). But I’m all about Upward Salute, the one where you stand with both your arms stretched straight up over your head. I love all of this pose’s connotations: “I Am Jumping for Joy” … “I Am Demonstrating My Allegiance to the Police, the True Defenders of Our Nation” … “I Am Guaranteeing That Don Jr. Won’t Mistake Me for Wildlife and Try to Kill Me.”
Anyway, write me and tell me what poses are “popping” for you. I can always use the inspo. (And, haha, your e-mail for my donor lists 😉.)
Bottom line: keep practicing, people! On the inhale, lengthen your spine. On the exhale, track down the foreigner who lives closest to you and ask, “Are you trying to take my job from me?”
Kimberly Guilfoyle, the future Mrs. Donald Trump Jr., doesn’t believe in inside voices
