Sure, Donald Trump did well in South Carolina and Michigan—in the sense that he won those primaries—but he fared far less impressively, as some have pointed out, among Republican voters, and even worse, as we are pointing out now, among Attention-Whore Index voters. In fact, Trump lost our poll last week, fading to a distant second behind his fellow Putin apologist Tucker Carlson (who is definitely having a moment; it’s Carlson’s second A.W.I. win out of the last three) and finishing a mere preternaturally-orange-hair’s breadth ahead of Prince Harry. The tally: Carlson 38.3 percent, Trump 21.5 percent, Sussex 21 percent. (Travis Kelce, who isn’t exactly keeping a low profile of late, was a respectable fourth with 11.7 percent.)
The nominees in this week’s edition of the Attention-Whore Index Poll are …
1.
DONALD TRUMP
Is it possible Trump feels Harry nipping at his bone-spur-afflicted, military-service-dodging heels in the race for top Attention Whore? Because he told the Daily Mail that the Biden administration had been “too gracious” to the duke, immigrant-status-wise, and that “I wouldn’t protect him. He betrayed the Queen. That’s unforgivable.” (Forgivable, apparently, were Trump’s breaches of etiquette and tradition when he met the Queen as president: shaking her hand instead of bowing, walking in front of her, and touching her back at a banquet.) And he otherwise blathered on, saying that his mug shot was helping him with Black voters, and “I stand before you today not only as your past and hopefully future president but as a proud political dissident. I am a dissident.” He continued: “We’re going to take over Washington, D.C.… We’re going to have very powerful crime.”
2.
MARJORIE TAYLOR GREENE
The representative from Georgia said that while she would be “honored to serve President Trump in his next administration in any capacity,” there’s one specific Cabinet position that’s dear to her heart—and, no, it’s not Secretary of Powerful Crime. “I’m certainly particularly interested in Homeland Security,” Greene confessed. She also demanded, curiously, that Arthur Engoron, the judge who levied that $355 million fine against Trump, be “disrobed.”
3.
CRYSTAL CLANTON
Speaking of judges in need of “disrobing,” Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has hired a new law clerk. Congratulations, Crystal Clanton! But—oops—looks like Clanton, a recent graduate of the Antonin Scalia Law School, has some baggage. The Washington Post noted that “in 2015, when Clanton was 20 and working for a conservative group allied with the justice’s wife, Ginni Thomas, Clanton apparently sent racist texts to a fellow employee. ‘I HATE BLACK PEOPLE,’ one text read. ‘Like f— them all … I hate blacks. End of story.’ (In Clanton’s text, the expletive was spelled out.).” The texts were first reported in The New Yorker in 2017, at which time Clanton, in an e-mail to the writer of the piece, Jane Mayer, didn’t deny them but said, “I have no recollection of these messages and they do not reflect what I believe or who I am.” Sure they don’t. They never do, right?
4.
BIANCA CENSORI
Her husband, Kanye West, is a familiar competitor in the A.W.I., so why not his equally deserving (albeit for different reasons) wife? We admit we’ve given Censori short shrift. So this week let’s acknowledge her appearance at the Milan fashion shows, where she wore a new hairstyle, and little else. “The Australian fashion designer, 29, donned a daring black bodysuit that barely contained her curves,” reported the Daily Mail. “Bianca went braless in the revealing garment which also featured a matching strap along the sides.” Then she moved on to Paris Fashion Week, where she wore even less. Now, welcome to yet another show—the A.W.I.—Mrs. Ye.
5.
NIKKI HALEY
Despite two more primary losses, and the loss of the considerable financial support of Americans for Prosperity Action, Charles Koch’s super-PAC, she’s still in the race. Does she know something we don’t?
6.
JACK POSOBIEC
The far-right conservative activist, who several years ago promoted the Pizzagate conspiracy theory (you know, the one where high-ranking Democrats were operating a child-sex ring out of a Washington, D.C., pizzeria), appeared on a Conservative Political Action Conference panel and told a wildly enthusiastic audience, “Welcome to the end of democracy. We are here to overthrow it completely. We didn’t get all the way there on January 6, but we will endeavor to get rid of it.” Whereupon Steve Bannon, who was moderating, said, “Amen!”
7.
THE MONTH OF FEBRUARY
Unbelievable. Laid claim to an extra day, so we can all “catch up,” or something. —George Kalogerakis
George Kalogerakis, a Writer at Large at AIR MAIL, worked at Spy, Vanity Fair, and The New York Times, where he was deputy op-ed editor. He is a co-author of Spy: The Funny Years and a co-editor of Disunion: A History of the Civil War