Top royal-watcher Tina Brown has V.I.P., front-row, all-access passes to the Queen of England. Ish ...

as told by Craig Brown

She was famed globally for her ear-to-bling-laden-ear grin, and who could blame her? Soon to be celebrating her 96th birthday, Her Majesty had it all.

More famous than rapidly-fading scraggy-handed Material Girl Madonna, wealthier than pneumatic Kim Kardashian, and more powerful than has-been former First Lady Melania Trump, at 95, Elizabeth II had blown her closest rivals out the water with the hand-grenade of breeding.

Sitting on one of her favorite go-to thrones in her 830,000 sq ft fuck-you mega-mansion Buckingham Palace, valued at $16 billion, a prime piece of real-estate at the smartest end of London’s prestigious Mall, Elizabeth II had one helluva lot to grin about. READ ON

What if Vladimir asked Elon to team up?

This item was originally published on airmail.news. Read on Air Mail →

A state-by-state breakdown of new laws being proposed in a post–Roe v. Wade era

By John Ficarra

With the repeal of Roe v. Wade almost a foregone conclusion, red-state lawmakers are falling all over themselves proposing new laws to even further restrict a women’s right to choose. Who needs to watch The Handmaid’s Tale when you can just watch the evening news?

Wyoming: Any woman attempting to leave the state would be subject to a random search and sonogram.

Missouri: Dry cleaners would no longer be allowed to return laundry on wire hangers.

Utah: Any pubescent girl who begins menstruating must notify her congressman in writing within 10 days.

Alabama: All HIPAA and doctor-patient confidentiality laws would be null and void. In addition, priests hearing confession must wear a wire. READ ON

What if the Fox News host switched jobs?

By Henry Alford

DAY 1: Carlson tells female lead she’s a “Hollywood 6” but a “Washington 9.”

DAY 2: Carlson lectures cast about consent and bullying by quoting Bubba the Love Sponge.

DAY 8: Carlson arrives on set with his bow tie untied, in effort to appear anti-ableist.

DAY 15: Carlson offends director by referring to a lesbian sex scene as “the poontangle.”

DAY 22: Carlson tells costume designer that the ultimate assertion of “Diversity is our strength” is owning both Top-Siders and white bucks.

DAY 26: Carlson chastises Hair and Makeup for being the leading cause of the masculinity crisis. READ ON

Who spoke the woke salad first? Prince Harry, WeWork’s co-grifter Rebekah Neumann, or … ?

By Ted Heller

One of the quotes in each set of three below is from Harry, the Duke of Sussex. Another is from former WeWork chief brand-and-impact officer (and all-around annoyance) Rebekah Neumann. The third is from … well, from all over the place.

Match them up correctly, and if you get them all right, we promise not to send you to the WeGrow School.

Women

1. “A big part of being a woman is to help men manifest their calling in life.”
2. “Woman understands children better than man does, but man is more childlike than woman.”
3. “Real men treat women with dignity and give them the respect they deserve.” READ ON

As Vladimir and his cohort prepare to paint the town—or at least the square—red, they call upon the hostess with the mostess to be their social czar

This item was originally published on airmail.news. Read on Air Mail →

Revealed: the Magic Kingdom’s secret plans to retaliate against Florida governor Ron DeSantis

By John Ficarra

Donald Duck will still proudly not wear pants.

Goofy will now sign his autograph “Best wishes, Ron DeSantis.”

A new movie is being rushed into production: 101 Transgenders.

Pinocchio’s nose will grow every time DeSantis tells a lie.

Every pair of Mickey ears sold at the park will contain secret transmitters that make it easier to groom the kids.

Walt will be thawed, in order to campaign against DeSantis.

Disney’s Make-A-Wish application now asks for your political-party affiliation.

In honor of DeSantis, a new exhibition will be created: “The Hall of Presidential Also-Rans” (set to open fall 2024).

And for the first time ever …

John Ficarra, former editor of Mad magazine, recently tested positive for immaturity