Skip to Content
“I prefer ‘prostitute.’ ‘Media whore’ implies that I’m not getting paid.”
“Thank you for calling your father. If this is an emergency, press 1. If you need money, press 2. To speak about general life updates, please stay on the line: your mother will be with you shortly.”
“My compliments on the soup.”
“Recycling?! No way. They’ll never take my freedom.”
“In a bipartisan surprise, the U.S. Congress has changed ‘United States of America’ to just ‘States of America.’”
“Wait, how long have you had that?”
“How do you know this stuff isn’t stolen from a raccoon?”
“Jake, please hold my calls and fetch my Cheetos gloves.”
“The more I read about these cats, the less I care for them.”
“Then it’s settled—our strategy is to hope for better things.”
“Well, the crazy bastards went ahead and did it … they wrapped it in bacon.”
“Nope, Jeb’s my pardner. My partner is Zeke.”
“For God’s sake, will you relax?”
“You know how it is. Some days you like to drive; some days you like to be driven.”
“If I give you a look, introduce yourself. I can’t remember their names.”
“I can still remember when cartoons were about humor, not product placement.”
“Apropos of nothing, would you still love me if I were a sausage?”