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“In 2,000 years, you’ll be reincarnated as a sales associate who says things like ‘Friyay’ and ‘wine o’clock.’”
“If they pay the ransom promptly, I’m throwing in a free tote bag.”
“The white carpet in here was a mistake.”
“I’ve learned to live with the ever present specter of death, but mostly because it’s started chipping in for rent.”
“Now be a snake. No, wait—a talking snake!”
“The next song tells of the pain of romance. The disappointments, the disagreements, the bickering. This is too difficult for me. I’m not going to sing it.”
“Instead of a passport, wouldn’t it be easier to just have the unvaccinated wear their MAGA hats?”
“You probably don’t need to specify ‘toga party.’”
“Before we start the date, here’s a list of things I have zero interest in talking about.”
“Ah, the innocence of youth. Enjoy it while it lasts.”
“Trust me, you won’t miss the air when you see this closet space.”